i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
