Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
