when does round two start
I don't know, I gave up bartenders for lent
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
