At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize