How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Randomize