those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize
