I will die if light touches me.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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