But, the reference to being horny and then blending a banana is troubling
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
i drank out of a bidet.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
