did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Randomize
