seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
