woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
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