So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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