im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
