The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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