What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
You are the jesus of drinking
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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