Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
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