ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
