Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize