I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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