Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
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