mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Randomize
