I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
I just found puke in my bra..
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Randomize
