i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Randomize
