____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
