based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
soo... how was my night?
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