She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
