Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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