I just threw up on my dentist
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
She's the barista slut.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Randomize
