There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
