Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I fill condoms, not promises.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
Randomize
