I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
