I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I would ride that face into the sunset
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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