I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
I want her autograph on my taint
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
