Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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