So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
