why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
