Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize