I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
