did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Is it penis luge time yet?
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
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