Nicole vs. Life
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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