YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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