i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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