just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Randomize
