found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Randomize
