Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
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