I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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