You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Randomize
