he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
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