Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
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