he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
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