This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize