Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
I look better un-naked...
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Randomize
