Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
