i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
