Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
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